Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, the town historically recognized for historical culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.

"It should be tremendous. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed from the putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the greatest. But now, we're building them with balconies."

Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and totally from spot. Made by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower features:

A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour till the drone flies")

And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable h2o. But Sure, confident, let us have another position where American Adult men can put on robes and simply call it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, obviously."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When former negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: supply All people a set on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

Based on files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This really is comfortable energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower within a war zone. It truly is that he must stop working with it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the undertaking, replied, "You are aware of, male, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Terrific tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."

Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping types a large Trump head obvious from House, a function staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents along with the chin is… well, categorised.

Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits just after obtaining the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.

"It's not merely unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing and Other Perplexing Attributes

Probably the strangest element of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:

Trump Tower Damascus

A silent atrium the place friends could ponder obscure disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with climate Regulate established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.

Area Syrians are unsure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing and advertising Approach: "When you Bomb It, They'll Appear"

The ad campaign, a short while ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Without end."

A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:

"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."

General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge displays:

34% say "it'd stabilize the region"

29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% mentioned "exactly where's the nearest elevator into the West Lender?"

Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"

The undertaking is now attracting interest from international buyers, which includes:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."

In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage may even consist of:

A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Room Based upon the Iraq War

Comment Section Chaos

About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can not wait to discover a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Finally, a resort the place my PTSD can have turn-down company."

A different submit from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies counsel:

China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."

Final Views within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus needed hope. It wanted gold. It essential a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave it all three. You happen to be welcome."